A long time ago a young boy went to the circus. He was thrilled. He loved everything about it. He loved the animals. He loved the acrobats. He loved the trapeze artists. But his favorite were the clowns. Their costumes, their make-up, their crazy antics... Oh! How they made him laugh!
Outside the tent, during intermission their was a particularly funny looking clown strolling along entertaining the crowd. The little boy ran up to say hello.
“Why, hello” said the clown, “Are you a horse?”
“No” giggled the little boy.
“Are you a donkey?”
“No” giggled the little boy.
“Then you must be a horse’s ass!”
Everybody laughed heartily as the little boy fell for the clown’s clever joke. But tears welled up in the little boys eyes. His love of the circus had been trampled upon. The taunt of the clown hit him like a slap in the face. He was most frustrated at the fact that he was unable to deliver a witty comeback, being just a little boy and not quite so clever yet. But he determined to grow clever and strong so that if he ever encountered the clown again he would be prepared.
He mastered chess to sharpen his mind. He undertook vocal training so as to avoid getting tongue-tied at his moment of triumph. He studied Oscar Wilde to sharpen his wit. By the time he was finished elementary school he was the king of schoolyard taunting circles. The did not exist a “Yo mamma so . . .” joke that he could not top. In college he majored in Drama and he joined an improvisational comedy troupe, ever intent on realizing his revenge.
Upon graduation from college he tracked down the circus. As fate would have it, the offending clown was still with the same circus. The boy, now a young man, walked right up to the clown and said, “Hello.”
“Why, hello” said the clown, “Are you a horse?”
“No” firmly stated the young man.
“Are you a donkey?”
“No” repeated the young man.
“Then you must be a horse’s ass!”
Then the young man opened his mouth and nothing came out. Instead, tears welled up in his eyes as the memory of his original injury rushed back upon him. He had been so intent on revenge all these years that he had never faced the pain. He immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. All the people laughed heartily as the young man fell for the clown’s clever joke.
The young man was humiliated to be bested twice by the same clown. He was determined that the next time they met he would come out on top. He underwent extensive therapy so that he could face his inner demons and heal the little boy inside who has been so hurt by this horrid clown. He found a woman to love him and he married her so that he would have a mother-in-law against whose constant insults he could always be practicing his skills at the clever come-back. One day he saw an ad in the paper which read:
Professor William McCloskey PhD.
Instructor of Verbal Warfare
Classes offered for all levels
The young man contacted the professor and began taking clases at the advanced level. He studied with Professor McCloskey for ten years until the professor told him, “Son, I have no more to teach you. You have surpassed you Master. Go, and speak your cruel beautiful wit to the world.”
Our hero tracked down the circus. As fate would have it, the offending clown was still with the same circus. The young man, now a middle-aged man, walked right up to the clown and said, “Hello.”
“Why, hello” said the clown, “Are you a horse?”
“No” firmly stated the middle-aged man.
“Are you a donkey?”
“No” repeated the middle-aged man.
“Then you must be a horse’s ass!”
Then the middle-aged man opened his mouth and nothing came out. He had his witty come-back all ready but he completely drew a blank. To be so close to the goal he had been striving for all his life was too much pressure for him to face. All the people laughed heartily as the middle-aged man fell for the clown’s clever joke.
After this episode the man’s life fell apart. He sank into despair. His wife left him. He lost his job. He lost all sense of purpose. He eventually became penniless and had to live out his old age on the street. As people passed by he would whimper, “Please, can you spare a little something so an old man can eat?”
One day as he said, “Please, can you spare a little something so an old man can eat?” to a passer-by who was wearing baggy pants and colorful shoes, the passer-by stopped and greeted him:
“Why, hello” said the passer-by, “Are you a horse?”, the old man couldn’t believe his eyes. Here in front of him was his life-long nemesis. The very same clown who he had encountered as a little boy.
“No” firmly stated the old man.
“Are you a donkey?”
“No” repeated the old man.
“Then you must be a horse’s ass!” laughed the clown.
The old man stood up off the ground. Looked his interlocutor right in the eye, and said what he had wanted to say his entire life:
“FUCK YOU, CLOWN!”
11:20 PM
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