- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities and threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (LOVE this one!!)
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ATMs?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one member of a synchronized swim team drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance coverage for acts of God
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